Just.. me.

Sitting here, waiting for wow to come back up, watching Catch Me If You Can, wondering about everything. So many things go through my head constantly. I swear my mind NEVER switches off. It's like my thoughts are trains and they run along so many different tracks, that eventually, there'll be a crash and a derailment and my mind will never recover. :P

It's tough being a parent. I don't know how people do it, sometimes. I sometimes think I'll go crazy. I love my kids so much, but then there are days where they just make me so angry! I have nightmares, constantly about things happening to them. I swear, being a parent can be a form of torture. Even on my worst days, looking into their faces, it still puzzles me that somewhere in the world, someone is actualy hurting someone who looks just like my boys. All these stories in the news about children being beaten, abused, neglected... how could a parent do that??? How could a mother, you's just given birth to this beautiful, fragile life, just throw it away, hurt it, kill it? I could never eve imagine the possibilty of hurting my kids. Sure, I believe in discipline.. I smack my kids when they're bad.. but only on the bum (which is padded) or the hand. A twoyear old doesn't understand "please don't do that, that's naughty". But I would never beat them, let them starve. Just thinking about a child being hurt brings tears to my eyes. I'm much more sensitive to that since I had my boys. It actually hurts me to watch a movie where a child is hurt. Chris has to turn it off, or I have to leave the room. I can't handle it. So how can someone hurt a child with their own hands?

I remember a video on youtube that Chris showed me about a year ago. It was a new road ad. You know the ones: Speed Kills. I don't remember all the details, but I do remember that it had a couple of scenarios, and one of them, was a young family who crashed cos the driver was speeding. All I remember, clear as a bell, is the ambulance arriving and they rush to the car. In the back seat was a car seat, and the female paramedic leaned in, oxygen mask in hand, and attended to the baby. You can hear her voice muttering in the background, then it gives a shot of the baby's face. It's only a split second, but you can see the baby's eyes are open, staring at the front of the car. And it wasn't moving. You just knew that baby was not okay. It was just an ad and I couldn't stop crying after it. I think Chris thinks I'm silly, but I don't care.

While my brain obsesses about my kids, it also has about fifty other things going round the tracks. Has Chris done this? Did I do that like I was supposed to? Was I supposed to call someone today? Did I forget to buy anything for the boys? Did I put a load of washing in the machine and forget to take it out? All normal stuff, but all at once, and I think that's why it takes so long for me to get to sleep most nights. I go to bed between midnight and 2am most nights, and no matter what, it takes me at least an hour to fall asleep. My mind just won't shutdown. I was told a long time ago to imagine a brick wall, or just a blank white wall. Imagine that and only that. Eventually my mind would be so bored, I'd go to sleep. It doesn't work.

Try reading.. it makes you sleepy cos your minds working, not floating around in a sea of thoughts.