Just.. me.

Sitting here, waiting for wow to come back up, watching Catch Me If You Can, wondering about everything. So many things go through my head constantly. I swear my mind NEVER switches off. It's like my thoughts are trains and they run along so many different tracks, that eventually, there'll be a crash and a derailment and my mind will never recover. :P

It's tough being a parent. I don't know how people do it, sometimes. I sometimes think I'll go crazy. I love my kids so much, but then there are days where they just make me so angry! I have nightmares, constantly about things happening to them. I swear, being a parent can be a form of torture. Even on my worst days, looking into their faces, it still puzzles me that somewhere in the world, someone is actualy hurting someone who looks just like my boys. All these stories in the news about children being beaten, abused, neglected... how could a parent do that??? How could a mother, you's just given birth to this beautiful, fragile life, just throw it away, hurt it, kill it? I could never eve imagine the possibilty of hurting my kids. Sure, I believe in discipline.. I smack my kids when they're bad.. but only on the bum (which is padded) or the hand. A twoyear old doesn't understand "please don't do that, that's naughty". But I would never beat them, let them starve. Just thinking about a child being hurt brings tears to my eyes. I'm much more sensitive to that since I had my boys. It actually hurts me to watch a movie where a child is hurt. Chris has to turn it off, or I have to leave the room. I can't handle it. So how can someone hurt a child with their own hands?

I remember a video on youtube that Chris showed me about a year ago. It was a new road ad. You know the ones: Speed Kills. I don't remember all the details, but I do remember that it had a couple of scenarios, and one of them, was a young family who crashed cos the driver was speeding. All I remember, clear as a bell, is the ambulance arriving and they rush to the car. In the back seat was a car seat, and the female paramedic leaned in, oxygen mask in hand, and attended to the baby. You can hear her voice muttering in the background, then it gives a shot of the baby's face. It's only a split second, but you can see the baby's eyes are open, staring at the front of the car. And it wasn't moving. You just knew that baby was not okay. It was just an ad and I couldn't stop crying after it. I think Chris thinks I'm silly, but I don't care.

While my brain obsesses about my kids, it also has about fifty other things going round the tracks. Has Chris done this? Did I do that like I was supposed to? Was I supposed to call someone today? Did I forget to buy anything for the boys? Did I put a load of washing in the machine and forget to take it out? All normal stuff, but all at once, and I think that's why it takes so long for me to get to sleep most nights. I go to bed between midnight and 2am most nights, and no matter what, it takes me at least an hour to fall asleep. My mind just won't shutdown. I was told a long time ago to imagine a brick wall, or just a blank white wall. Imagine that and only that. Eventually my mind would be so bored, I'd go to sleep. It doesn't work.

Try reading.. it makes you sleepy cos your minds working, not floating around in a sea of thoughts.

Life goes on

Well, I may or may not have forgotten that this page actually existed. I use Facebook so much now, that I don't really use anything else on the computer.

Updates from my last post:
I've had my second baby! His name is Seth Gabriel and he's now 14 months. He's probably the most gogeous thing that has ever graced this planet. I can't believe I've been so lucky. I could never have imagined myself a better family. Alex is now 2 yrs and 2 months. He's walking, and somewhat talking. Oh, he says the usual stuff; bye-bye, mum, dad, uh-oh, look!, and nan, but he should be actually putting together sentences by now, which is probably my fault. He doesn't get to be around other children much.

But Alex is so smart! He really is. We say "bed", he goes and puts himself to bed. We say "teeth", he heads for the bathroom and waits. We say "shoes", he grabs his shoes, sits down and holds his foot out. "Car" has him standing at the front door, car keys in hand.

He also knows how to operate an iPod. Probably better than a lot of adults. Better than me, actually, cos I don't know how to take a photo of the screen and set it as a background, but he does. >.< He knows how to unlock the iPod, search through the menus til he finds the game he likes, then he launches it and plays it. He knows what games he needs help with (ie. the buttons are too small, or there are too many buttons and he doesn't know which to press.) He's just to fun to watch. His favourite game is Angry Birds. He just loves to see them get flung!

Alex also has an obsession with the movies "Cars". He could watch it 5 times over in one day and it wouldn't bother him. Most I've let him watch it so far, is 3 :P

I am now engaged to Chris and though I was hoping for a LONG engagement, but, due to family pressure, we've set a date. 18th February, 2012. Not long after the wedding, we'll be moving to QLD, which I'm excited, but REALLY nervous about. I've never really liked change. I love QLD, thogh, and I think it's be great for me. I've done nothing here in Vic but gain weight lately, and I'm starting to get so pale, I look dead. I've also got an Iron deficency, so i have dark circles around my eyes constantly. When we were up in QLD last Christmas, I lost some weight, I gained a light tan, and the dark circles went, so for my health, I think I need to go.

My sister is now living with us. She's had a lot of problems with mum, and now mum has had enough. We took my sister before mum killed her. :P She's been doing okay here, except for a few hiccups and the major tantrum she threw last night. I think she thinks we'll get rid of her. Not happening. She does what she's told or things go badly for her. She's already grounded for a week.

Just brought a new bike and some baby bike seats, so we can go riding as a family, Chris takes Alex, I take Seth. We need to get my sisters bike so we can drag her along, too. I'm desperate to lose weight, but the motivation's just not there. I need to be pushed. Joined a gym that'll open in Traralgon soon. They have a free creche, and Zumba classes, so hopefully the times coincide. It'd work out so well for me if it did. I even told Chris that if I wasn't the weight I want to be by the time the wedding comes around, it's cancelled.

Now, I'm looking for a job, and thinking about going for a loan for a house. Although, as Chris said, is there a point to buying a house when we're moving in a year and a half? He has a point, but I'd really love to have my own house. Something about it's clawing at me. I know we'll have one in QLD, but that's not now. If I can't get a house, we're going to get a new car. The 5 of us BARELY fit into the nissan pulsar we have, so we're looking to get a 7 seater FWD. We need room for all of us, especially since we're talking about having another baby. If we do, that'll be 5 of us + my sister. Need a bigger car. We're getting a second car in 2 weeks, so that'll help, but I don't want to take 2 cars everywhere.

Well, I think I've exhausted my brain for now. I'm definately going to update this more often. Facebook's not used for this kind of thing.

Catch yas!

New News, Old News, Worthy and Unworthy News

I keep neglecting this thing.. Probably cos I have facebook and I update my status instead of updating my blog. Anyhoo, how is everyone? Well, I hope. I'm doing pretty well, I guess. Alex is happy and growing, the new baby is due in 4 weeks, though I've had a couple of times already where I've thought I might have gone in to labour, so I'm expecting an early birth. I recognise that I said that about Alex, so I can always be wrong.

We still don't have a name picked out for a boy. I'm 100% sure it's a boy, where as Chris thinks it's a girl. We don't know who is correct because the guy who did my ultrasound didn't bother looking, just told us the legs were crossed when we saw quite clearly that they weren't. At that point, I could have gone back to find out, but it was $160 I didn't have to spend to find out, when I'd find out eventually anyway. So it's a surprise.

I can't believe how fast this past year has gone. Alex is 11 months at the end of this month. It seems like only last week that we were bringing him home from the hospital. And now we're about to have another one! In a way, I can't wait. I loved Alex as a baby... more so now of course, but they're so tiny, so precious, something to protect, to care for, to love unconditionally.. it's like nothing else you'll ever experience.

Alex's top two teeth are finally almost through, so his nappy rash cleared up... Almost made me cry every time I changed him cos I knew how much pain i was causing him and I hated it.

Everyone around me seems to be getting married. Mark and Nic in August, Rhiannon sometime soon, and a few other people, and people keep asking me and Chris if we're going to get married. I think people ask because they want everyone else to be as happy as they are, and they see that they only way is for the other people to get married, too.
Chris wants us to get married, so does his family and mine, but I just don't know how I feel. I know these days marriage's are as disposable as nappies, but I still see myself getting married and staying with the person I marry forever. Is that person Chris? I'd like to think so, but if he asked me to marry him now, I don't think I'd say yes because I want to say yes, and to mean it.

I think couples who jump in to marriage are too immature to really understand what they're getting into and they need to take a good look at themselves and their partners and really ask themselves if that is what they want. If there is even the slightest bit of doubt, don't do it. Wait a bit longer. It's not like it would make much of a difference. Better to wait to get married, than be a 20 something divorcee..

I've been thinking lately about grudges I've been holding. I don't usually hold a grudge. I'm usually the first person to get over it and move on, but there are some things in your life that happen, and they make you hurt/sad/angry and you find it hard to move past them. Relationships are usually the hardest to move past.
My father and his GF broke up about a month and a half ago, and their breakup seemed very familiar to me. When they got together 5 years ago, he said to her that if she ever found someone else, all she had to do was tell him and he'd move aside. Instead, when she wanted out of the relationship, she made up lie after lie after lie and it hurt him deeply. It made me think about my own experiences in being lied to. Why do people do it? To hurt you? To really stick the knife in? Or are they just so messed up themselves, that all they can do is lie to justify their doings to themselves..

It's not fun being lied to, it's why I avoid lying to someone as much as i can. I thought about my last relationship, and how badly that had ended cos of lies, and It made me wonder if people really do understand that we'd rather hear the truth, than a lie. If my ex had told me the truth of why he was breaking up with me, things would have gone much smoother and we may still have been friends. But, like my dad, all i got was lies, and how can you move past that and forgive that person when a simple truth was all you needed/wanted/asked for?

Anyway, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I realised that though I will never forget being lied to, I have gotten past it, if not totally forgiven the person. It just makes me sad now, that our relationship ended the way it did when it didn't have to. I hope my dad gets to this stage eventually. I know he's still at the anger and betrayal stage and will be for some time.

For now, that's all I have to say.. I have a house to clean up after a 10 1/2 month old tornado went through it :D Adios.

Updates...

Most of you probably don't know this, but I'm pregnant again. Yes, again.. I know, bad idea to have it so soon after a C_sec; no, it was not planned, and yes, we used contraception.. :P

Even my lawyer asked if I knew what contraception was, lol. Mum thought it was hilarious, though i know she can't wait for another.

Oh, and I'm having the same problem as last time: finding a boys name. Why is it so damn difficult to give your child a brand that they have to carry for 18 yrs?

Chris and I are thrilled about the new baby (that's it's nickname atm, by the way, "new baby"). It means Alex will have someone to grow up with, someone to play with, to bond with at an early stage. Beats the puppy we were after.

I'm going to find out what the sex of this one is. Bugger anyone else. I WANT to know!

ALSO- Mark and Nicole's wedding is coming up!! They finally set the date, and will be married in August. It's going to be so great. I'm helping her plan it, since she hasn't really been motivated to do it all herself. She's already got her dress, veil, tiara and invites organised. I'm pushing her to get the cake done, and people booked asap.

I have to say, helping plan this wedding has been good for me. I haven't slacked off, I've been actually working on it and helping every bit I can. Usually when doing something like this, I'd put it off, and put it off, or just not get around to it. Maybe I've found a calling... Who knows.. Amber, the wedding planner. ...we'll see! :) It has been exciting, though. Maybe I'm just getting in practice for my wedding which I'm sure will happen at least once in the next 20yrs :P

Alex is crawling! He crawled for the first time a couple of nights ago while at my mother's house. Nothing is safe!! Well, he's still learning, so he's not that mobile, but it's just a matter of practice.. Next step- running a marathon! I has the high hopes. :D

The next BIG thing on the calendar for us, besides new baby's birth, and the Harry Potter release :P is Alex's 1st birthday. We're having a huge party at our house for him, which Chris thinks is stupid cos he won't remember it when he's older. My argument is:- It's the first one! You can't not celebrate the first of many birthdays to come, but that's my point of view.

Anyhoo, gotta go watch House with my family :D Toodles.

Christmas

Well, we just had our first Christmas with Alexander. He's now 5 months old, and still absolutely gorgeous. Chris and I spent the whole day at my mum's house, with me lying on the couch for the best part of it, as I wasn't feeling well for the whole day.

When it came to the present opening, it went as predicted. Alex was more interested in the wrapping paper than the actual presents, though Elmo had his complete attention whenever it was activated. I think it scared him.

Alex got a good amount of pressies.. his grandpa got him a play mat, his grandma got him an activity center which attatched to his cot, and the Elmo Live, we got him a train that moves around the house and he got a few soft toys (including an Alex the Lion), as well as some Blues Clues DVD's...

Having Alex is good.. we relive our childhoods.. hehe.. Alex the Kidd on Sega was awesome. Alex the Lion from Madagascar is our fave reference these days.

We spent the first week and a bit of December in QLD with Chris' family. I get along well with them, which is good. Our days were spent at Dreamword and Whitewater World with Chris' dad, Brian, or spent at his house in his pool.. Alex got a little bit of a tan from it. We brought him a hat, just kinda forgot to put it on him 99% of the time. The good thing about taking him up there was that he got used to water. Well, cold water. We put him in a bath later and he went nuts. Our solution atm, til he gets used to it, is get in with him..

Alex seems to be teething atm, too. He was drooling left right and centre and was grumbly a lot, not to mention his fists lived in his mouth. That's gone atm, but we were told that the teeth come down, then go back up before coming up, so there's still a long way to go.

I have to admit, Alex is probably the most important thing i have done in my life, and will ever do. He fell off the bed the other night and I panicked. Lucky Chris was there, he snatched Alex up before I'd even turned around.. The screaming scared me, but he settled down after I was holding him for a while.. I think it was more the shock than the actual fall. Nothing was broken, and he wasn't concussed, so it's all good. He just had a mark on his face from where he hit his face on a chair. He got a fat lip, too.. but he was okay. We don't know how he fell, he was surrounded by a huge doona.. he must have wriggled bloody hard to free himself... We didn't even know he could do that.

That's all i have atm. Til next time, ciao!

Plus one...

Well, it had to happen eventually and on Wednesday morning at around 3:30 am, I went into labour. I'm not going into the details, exept to say it was very long and very painful.

In the end, what do I have to show for it? A beautiful baby boy. Alexander Ayden Caplin (Hinds). Born Thursday 31st of July at 4:50 am in LRH.

Even holding him in my arms right now, it doesn't seem quite real. But it is, he's here and he's perfect. If only I could remember what sleep was...

Bye, bye, Carly!

Goodbye Carly! Have lots of fun and think of us often while you're travelling. We expect emails, you on MSN every day, and postcards!! Lots and lots. (send one to JV) ;)

For those who do not know, Carly left for her Europe trip this morning, after years of planning and saving. I wish her all the best, and hope she does her best to embarass the country, which I know she's able. :D lol... Good luck, Rainbow.

Damn it!

I was wrong. I admit it. I have yet again proven that I am not as smart as I think.

Bubs was due today. So instead of being an early baby, my baby is now overdue.

When I went to the doctor last night, he said that the baby's head had not slotted into the pelvis yet, so I may go for a while longer. He didn't sound optimistic about it being only a day or two. Semed to think much longer... He also said that at next weeks appointment (which he sounded confidant about me making, when he hadn't last week for last night's appointment) we'd talk about induction. If the baby's anything like me, it'll definately need to be induced. I need to be forced to do stuff I don't want to, too. :P

Katie thinks the baby just doesn't like the cold, that it's going to wait for spring or summer. Nicole agrees. With Chris for a dad (he's a QLDer and he hates the cold so much he's practically allergic to it), they may just be right. So instead of an early/mid July baby, I may have a late July/early August baby, depending on how stubborn it is, and when and if I get induced.

Almost makes me think it's a girl... It's already being a bitch. :D Just like its mum.

Close... so close.

2-3 weeks left. I don't think I'm gonna make it. Baby's going to come early, i feel it.

I've been struggling with the pregnancy thing the past couple of weeks. I see people I know all the time, and they all ask the same thing "Are you getting excited?" I always gave the same answer "Yeah, getting there" but the truth is, up until Sunday, no, not really. None of this has felt real. It still feels like it's happening to someone else.

I read something on a website that a doctor had written. It said that at about 32 weeks, you should start to sense when your baby was awake, start to feel it kicking more often. I wasn't getting any of it. The only way I knew it was awake was when it moved, and it almost never kicks. Bloody thing doesn't stop moving around, though.

But on Sunday I had the second of two antenatal classes. The first week was all about labour. This week was more about afterwards. I finally started to feel better about all of it. Felt like this actually was happening, and that everything was going to be okay. We got to watch a baby being bathed.

I don't know why it affected me so much, but it did. The baby was 2 days old, and was so small. The midwife running the class showed us step by step how to bathe a baby, but I don't think anyone was paying attention. We were all watching the tiny thing in her arms. It cried the whle, way through, except when she picked it up and rocked it. It was a great thing to watch and now I can finally say, yes, I'm getting excited.

Almost here.

6 weeks to go with still no problems. I think Catherine's going to kill me. She keeps cursing my ability to wear normal clothes and my lack of morning sickness.

The time has gone so fast. Only yesterday i was 6 months along, today I'm 7 1/2. It's kinda scary. Now's the time that the pregnancy seems more real. My tummy's huge, and the baby moves around a lot. Just speaking the words "I have 6 weeks to go" makes it hit home even more. I'm going to have a baby. It helps, of course, that mum and I went shopping and went nuts on baby clothes.

Hopefully all will continue to go well. An amazing amount of things can go wrong from here on out, I've been told. With the all clear from the doc so far, things should work out fine. Now i just need to find somewhere to live (my lease ran out before I got a new place) and set up the nursery. Can't wait to do that. It's gonna be exciting.